Just a Book, Only a Book
by Pashleyy
Summary: Artemis Fowl is only a book, right? Just some made up fictional characters and nothing more, right? But what if . . . they're real?
1. Just a Book

Artemis Fowl is just a book, right? Right?

Uh-huh. That's what _I_ thought too.

(Revised for a more current story. :D)

* * *

_Just a Book, Only a Book  
_**Chapter 1**- Just a Book, Right?

Ren closed the door behind her quietly and slipped out of the house. She had almost made it clear of her brother. So far so good. She padded quietly down the driveway. Just a little more time until she could run like the devil on her heels.

Just a little more . . . Yes!

She had it!

"MOM! REN IS ESCAPING FROM DOING HER CHORES AGAIN!"

Well, almost had it.

Ren tripped on an upturned pebble and swung herself onto the sidewalk in clear momentum. No one heard. No one heard. No one heard! She chanted mentally. Mom didn't hear!

"Ren! Get your behind back into this house and help me clean!" Nope, she was standing in the doorway tapping her foot patiently, her face as red as blood. Poor Mom, her blood pressure must have skyrocketed.

Ren sighed, defeated again, and walked back up the driveway. So close too. She walked back into the house and stormed up to her room.

"Now clean your room young lady before I take back your allowance."

"Yes mother," replied Ren glumly, trudging past her brother's room.

Her brother howled in a complete idiotic laughing fit. Rolling around on the floor like a dog, he banged his fists on the carpet having ruined his sister's plans again. It was pure joy.

Ren snorted. Yeah, stay rolling! Exactly where he should be! On the floor, she thought furiously, fuming into her room.

"What's the matter Ren? Wanting get out of cleaning again?" Her younger sibling teased, laughter ringing in his voice.

"I don't see you cleaning Michael." Ren snorted.

"Now now, girls aren't suppose to snort." Michael wagged a finger as his older sister gave the finger and slammed the door to her room.

It was completely, unconditionally unfair! Ren raged in her room for awhile, throwing around oddball curses and swears. She didn't want to stay stuck in her room; her chores were already done --- more or less --- besides the dusting of the furniture and the steadily piling mountain of dirty laundry. But her room looked fine as it was.

No doubt Michael had told a white lie and shimmied Mom into her infuriated, mad-as-hell, foot stomping, curse flinging frenzy that any and all life forms wanted to avoid if at all possible. Her mom hated a dirty room. (Whose mom doesn't?)

Then it struck her on the head like a twenty-pound bowling ball --- a plan to get out of this cage and enjoy the beautiful day. If her plan went, she could find a nice place to read one of her favorite books _Artemis Fowl _again, catch a flick, maybe even join her friends at the skating rink later on too.

Ren flung her black pouch over her shoulder and stuffed her book into it. She also grabbed some other things like her glasses and a pen --- you never knew when you might need a pen. Her ID badge wasn't a bad idea either to throw into the bag, just incase she somehow died and they needed identification on her, but she highly doubted she would die today. It also had its other purpose. To get into the house if it was locked, all she had to do was slide the thin plastic across the bolt in the door and _presto_! she was in.

Now she just hoped her plan wasn't too cliché for her own family to figure out.

She threw the covers off the bed and tie then together. Then she tied the end of the makeshift rope to end of her bed and flung the rest out the window. She was going to escape the old fashion tie-sheets-into-rope-and-scale-down-house way. Marvelous. Simply Marvelous.

She started to scale down the sheets slowly, being careful not to make a sound. Her mother, as all others, had superwomen hearing. Quietly, she tiptoed slowly down the side of the house.

It would have been a marvelous idea if only she had though of one thing. The knot tied to the bedpost. It wasn't tied tightly enough. Not to mention the slick furnishing on the wood to make it extra slippery.

Ren felt the rope-sheets slip down a ways as she looked up fearfully, then she looked down to the ground. The ground was about ten feet away. Ren began to feel a bit woozy.

Heights. Oh how she loathed heights.

"Bad idea . . ." She gulped as the knot tied to the bedpost loosened its grip and unraveled, sending Ren plummeting ten feet to the hard concrete patio.

Ren screamed wildly --- which sounded very similar to a squawking chicken who was being strangled while being fed through a grinder, and if you don't know that sound, just imagine the worst off-key shriek in the world. Yeah. That.

She landed on her bum on the hard concrete, and that hurt in itself. Ren rubbed her bum and stood up cautiously. She wouldn't be able to sit for a week now, that's for sure.

The girl quickly snapped to her senses again and looked around. It looked like nobody heard her. Now that was a surprise. Ren dashed over to the fence in the backyard and hopped over it with grace --- until her shirt caught the fence and pinned her there. She ripped the end of the shirt off of the fence and fingered the penny-sized hole. "Aw shoot!"

But that didn't matter now, she was free! Free as a bird, and Ren was going to do what she wanted to do now. No more chores or fussy brothers, this was _her_ day!

Guess I should tell you a little bit about Ren. Her true name is Randolph Erin Nickleson. Randolph was her first name because her father wanted a boy and they had a girl instead, but he refused to call her anything except Randolph. Typical fathers. She wasn't a beauty queen or a giggly prep. No _way_. Ren was a regular fifteen-year-old girl that was extremely normal, if not a little weird (Everybody is somebody else's weirdo!) and a complete klutz. Yep, a _klutz_.

Ren always managed to somehow snag her cloths on something, screw something up, or just slam into a wall, pole, post, fence, ect. She was a fair-skinned freckly girl, with fiery red hair and dark eyes. Her friends could have guessed her bloodline came from Ireland, and most of them did. _Wrong_. Her grandparents came from Germany. Germany all the way.

Ren walked down the sidewalk to the neighborhood park, but it was such a beautiful day and Ren loved beautiful days. So, she decided to take a detour.

A _major_ detour.

She passed houses she had never seen and neighbors she never knew. Then the houses started to spread further apart and become grander. Soon she was admiring huge mansions, great crisp white buildings with golden angels as weathervanes and seventeen-car garages. The houses also, as she ventured on, somehow began to remind her of something.

What? Ren hadn't a clue.

She'd never seen these houses before in her lifetime and she had lived in this neighborhood her whole life. She even boasted walking down every street blindfolded. But now it seemed as though she wasn't even _in_ her neighborhood.

"But I'm sure that I took the road to the park . . . but where's the stupid park? I couldn't have made a wrong turn . . ." She trailed off, her feet shuffling to a stop in front of large iron gates that loomed over menacingly. In the middle of the lockpad serpent who's mouth opened to strike was the letter 'F'.

She trailed her eyes to both sides of the gate. A twelve-foot brick wall ran around the property to keep things out, or to keep something in. The sight gave her cold chills.

Ren raised an eyebrow, eyeing the funny gate. She scratched her chin and looked around at the mansion. For some odd reason it rang a very familiar bell. It looked a lot like . . . nah. It couldn't be.

The Fowl Manor didn't exist.

But in her own curiosity, she looked over to the nameplate that indeed read 'Fowl Manor'. She gaped; still not sure that was she was seeing was right or some cheap trick.

"No way. No possible way this is _the_ Fowl Manor. I mean, this has to be a fluke or an illusion or something," she reasoned to herself as her voice echoed into the seemingly vacant manor. It was too creepy for her. Just turn around leave, the reasonable voice in her mind persuaded. Just turn and _leave_.

At first, she did turn her back to the strange manor, but then turned back. Curiosity always killed the cat! her reason shrieked. With a deep breath, she pushed her way through the huge gates and chanted, "Then satisfaction brought him back."

The yard --- garden --- field of flowers --- was _beautiful_. If beautiful could even touch the sheer magic of the garden. Huge golden flowers blossomed everywhere and a small pond bubbled in the corner, huge oaks casting their shade upon the entire yard.

"Either Mrs. Fowl really have some good tastes in garden decorating. Either that or they had an expert landscaper," at her own joke, she giggled, realizing the absurdity of it all.

Ren walking into the manor's lawn, knowing what she was doing was breaking the law. Trespassing, of all things. But no one was home, so why not? Just take a quick peak and zip on out.

But somebody was home. Well, two 'somebody's actually.

She walking onto the lush green grass and spun about, inhaling the sharply fresh air. It was better than she had pictured, if this was indeed the 'Artemis Fowl' manor. Her mind denied it all. There was no possible way.

There was a line between fiction and reality --- a thin line, but a line nonetheless.

But, honestly, could this have really been any other manor?

"This is _amazing_."

"Glad you like it, but I thought there was a law that banned trespassers, or do we need to hang up a rude orange sign that said 'No Trespassing'?" A cold voice spoke from behind Ren.

She froze. Sure, she didn't _know_ the voice, but she had read enough of Eion Colfer's books to know his words. To know that undermined arrogance laced with the confidence of cornerstones. She turned slowly, one name sounding from her lips.

"Artemis . . . Fowl?"

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Review:D 


	2. Artemis Fowl the Second

Gasp! I posted Chapter 2?! Has the sky fallen? No, sorry, the sky's still up there. I just felt like some Arty goodness! And so, Arty goodness here we come!

Enjoy!

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_Just a Book, Only a Book  
_**Chapter 2** - Artemis Fowl the Second

Ren froze, the hairs rose on her neck to prickly, ticklish points. She didn't know the voice, but she had read enough of Eion Colfer's books to know his words. The author's words mimicked the young man's voice. A voice with the confidence of cornerstones.

She turned slowly, one name sounding from her lips.

"Artemis . . . Fowl?"

The boy stared at her blandly, quite unsurprised by her burst of genius. "And you are?"

Ren opened her mouth, then closed it again, opened it, closed it. She couldn't make up her mind. What did he ask for again? "Y-Your only a . . . " She started to feel woozy, a flurry of butterflies swirling in her stomach. She started to sway back and forth.

"I'll ask again; 'And you are?'" Artemis asked impatiently, dismissing her pale and clammy skin. All he wanted to know was why this blasted girl was standing dumbstruck on his front lawn! And of all the nutcases, it had to be a _girl_. He had enough of _girls_ for one day. Minerva had made sure of that.

Speaking of girls, he was quite sure this one was not supposed to be swaying. He watched her eyes roll into the back of her head, and clumsily faint onto the grass with a soft _thud_.

Well, that went splendidly.

Butler walked up behind his charge and looked down at the girl face-first on the Fowl's front lawn. "Artemis, I think you scared her."

His charge shot him a vampiric glare. "Not likely. It's not like she would faint on a dime at the sight of me," he replied and flicked a blade of grass from his arm. "Bring her inside, we can't leave her out for the neighbors to get suspicious." If he could, he would have left the girl in the yard, but he didn't want his parents to come home and find a girl unconscious in the front yard. Then suspicions might arise, all pointing to him --- and right now, he didn't need extra trouble.

Not after _mesmering_ his parents the week afore.

"Come, Butler, lets see if we may wake her before my parents return with the brats." Brats, a rather fitting name for the twins who had ruined his bedroom five times since his return. He didn't want to remember his poor mainframe computer.

Butler agreed and picked the girl up, tossing her over his shoulder like a raggy old sack of potatoes.

As soon as they were inside, Butler laid her down on the couch and left the room to find Juliet. It rather pleased him that Juliet had returned from Mexico after three years of wrestling. She had only returned, though, because Artemis had. She wouldn't have felt right otherwise.

Artemis waited for his old friend to leave, then to his own dismay, began rummaging though the girl's purse. He scrunched his nose while pulling out a pen. Well-educated, he guessed, or a bookworm. He laid the pen aside and shuffled through the pouch some more, finding the girl's glasses, some money, a book, and an identification card.

"Randolph Erin Nickleson." Artemis read out loud as he scanned the card thoroughly. "Fifteen, female. She's a donor too . . ." He trailed off as he noticed where she lived as Butler came back into the living room with Juliet.

Juliet stopped and blinked at the girl, ". . . And she just fainted?"

Butler nodded.

"Something's up." She reasoned as Artemis turned towards the stairs.

"Yes, something is up. I'm going to call Holly."

Butler raised a questioning eyebrow to his charge, but he waved his manservant off and added, "Mind her while I am away." The young Master Fowl disappeared up the stairs, going into his study, clearly disturbed.

Artemis stopped when he was out of sight of both Butler and Juilet and sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "I swear I'm retiring to Hawaii after this. No one will look for me there."

Which was true. They would have looked for him in Australia, and maybe India. But Hawaii? It was too good to be true.

**----**

Butler and Juliet looked at each other. Ever since Artemis had come back, things had been normal. As normal as the day he had left. Or, well, _almost_. It had been hard for him to adjust to twin munchkins running amuck, and a bit harder for him to _mesmer_ his own parents than he would admit. The less people who knew about him and fairies, the better.

The Eurasian siblings just hoped he still knew what he was doing, or if the old Fowl had time warped to some other time, and this new Fowl had taken his place.

**----**

Ren began to stir. Her head felt like a jackhammer had ruptured it. What happened to her? The last thing she remembered was escaping out of her house, going for a walk on a beautiful November day and . . . she came across the Fowl Manor and walked in for a peek. Then she came face to face with --- shoot. Double shoot.

Triple shoot with hard liquor.

Ren groaned and slapped her hand to her face. This wasn't happening to her. It couldn't have been. Artemis Fowl wasn't real. "Maybe it was something I ate . . ."

"About time you woke up," said the exact same voice that caused her to faint. Hearing it so soon startled her. "You've been asleep for five hours."

Ren turned towards the direction of the voice. "Artemis . . . Fowl?"

"I can't really be anyone else, can I?" Artemis asked with an eyebrow raised.

Okay, maybe she should rethink her latest philosophy. Ren bit her lip, "I suppose not." She glanced out the window to the gates and debated her escape. Could she just hop up and run? Maybe . . . if Butler was tied down by fifty pounds of chains. But even then she doubted that would stop him.

Artemis glanced out the window. "What do you see out there that interests you so much?" He asked through boredom.

Ren stood up, still looking over to the gates. Yeah, she could make it! "I need to get home." Under her breath she added, "If I can find my home."

Artemis looked straight into her eyes. "Ah yes. How will you get home when your home is across the Atlantic Ocean? I took the opportunity to check the flights up to three months back and the passengers. None were you, Randolph Erin Nickleson. Explain." He demanded.

Ren winced. "Uh . . . I've been staying with my aunt and uncle?" she opted dryly.

Artemis sighed, massaging his temples. "This is going to be a long day." He glanced over at the shimmering wall again. "Listen, _Randolph_. There is not a person in this world named Randolph Erin Nickleson."

Ren, quite confused herself and a little furious with his arrogance, stood up and came within an inch of the young man's face. "And how would you know that?"

"I have my resources." Artemis looked up to Butler, who had sneaked up on Ren and stood behind her. He gave a short signal. Butler grabbed Ren around the waist and dumped her on the couch again.

Ren glared at Butler and folded her arms across her chest. "Talk about being manhandled by a meaty Eurasian . . ." she muttered softly, although both Butler and Artemis could hear. "I suddenly have a little empathy for those poor Mafia men! And Loafer-dude from the third book."

"I would suggest if you don't want that to happen again, you better stay put." The juggernaut said, standing behind her. "Now answer the question Ren." He cracked his knuckles menacingly.

Usually Ren wouldn't have been scared of the mammoth bodyguard. She actually thought he was cool, loyal and kind in the books. But now she was scared out of her wits. Who's to say he was nice to people _other_ than Artemis? Besides, Butler tended to have that affect on people.

"Umm . . . what question?" Ren asked stubbornly as Artemis and Butler both glared at her in annoyance. "Okay, okay . . ." she gave in, "I'm not really sure what's going on. For all I know, this is a dream." With that, she narrowed her eyes to Artemis and stated, "For all I know, you're not real."

He raised an eyebrow. "Metaphorically?"

"Physically. Mentally. Metaphorically you're as real as your author."

"My . . . author?"

Ren nodded, not quite certain she should be admitting this. They'd as soon send her to the loony bin than back home, _if_ she could get back home. Quietly, she pinched her arm and wished she was back home in the park, reading the novels instead of living them. Speak of novels, if she was going to say anything else, she needed to know exactly _when_ she was. "Umm . . . sorry to ask, but how old are you?"

Artemis sat back in surprise and automatically spat out, "Eighteen."

"Right . . ." she bit her bottom lip and prodded further. "Eighteen-sixteen, or Twenty-eighteen?"

As she could have guessed, he gave her a blank look.

"I mean, are you _really_ eighteen, or are you _really_ sixteen?"

She watched as he and his manservant exchanged a glance, and in that single glance simple neurons were exchanged, something only the oldest and best of friends could ever do. Finally, Artemis said, "Sixteen."

Ren let out a sigh of relief. So she still had grips on wherever this was. Thank you, Eion Colfer, she praised mentally. "Sixteen. Right. So that means you've been through the timewarp thing with the demons. Great. So this must be a setup for the sixth book . . ." internally, she almost grinned. This wasn't so hard after all!

"Book?" Butler rumbled.

"Book_s_," she corrected. "There's five of 'em so far. At least, where I'm from, and it's safe to say they're not here. Do you believe me?"

Again, Artemis and Butler exchanged another glance before complying to her question. But this time, something else was exchanged with those simple neurons. A question, and then an answer. When the young man returned to face Ren, her skin crawled. "Not yet."

His voice, suave and monotonous as it was, could not disguise the _mesmer_ Ren had read so much about. She had completely forgotten about his magic, and fearfully realized she'd just dug the deepest pit on this side of hell. Quickly, she opened her mouth to speak but his voice kept it closed, and relaxed her nerves.

"I'm not going to harm you," --- as of yet --- "but answer me truthfully, and answer quick. Understand?"

The magic forced her to nod, and suddenly she wanted to tell everything he was about to ask her. She wanted to adhere to his questions, and answer them as quick and true as humanly possible. Anything for Artemis Fowl.

"Are you speaking the truth?"

"Yes," the words gurgled out. She knew she was scared, inside she knew she was scared and afraid and disappointed that he did not believe her, but the _mesmer_ hushed those emotions, and scrambled her immediate thoughts.

Artemis shifted uncomfortably. "Every word is true? Of the books --- the other world? If you are not from here, are you from a parallel universe."

She shook her head quickly. "Its true, but I don't know anything else. I . . ." but then the magic forced her mouth shut again.

"Yes?" Artemis prodded, flexing his fingers. His magic, as little as he might have acquired, took loads of mentality to maintain and immense concentration. One stray thought and the magic would vanish. One disadvantage to being a human. "Do continue."

"Nothing," she assured blearily.

"Are you in any way, shape, or form here for a reason?"

"I wanted to read." Her finger raised to her purse on the table. "I wanted to go out and read somewhere. I didn't find it, and came here. I don't know."

The young man drummed his fingers together and suddenly flashed his eyes away to his manservant. "Then," his voice returned to normal, and Ren began to shake with the fear suppressed within her, "go read somewhere." He stood, and without another glance back, retired from the living room, up the stairs, and away from view.

Butler stayed behind with the girl.

Ren gulped and hugged herself. "H-He n-n-needs to w-work on that m-mesmer thing." Her and Butler locked eyes, and then he smirked.

"I reckon the books never said Artemis was good at everything, did they?"

"N-No . . ."

"Then he's not. Some things even geniuses have to work at."

* * *

Ta-da! 

_Continue? or No?_


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